


all the ways I miss you

by squishyshoma



Series: and I would give it all to you [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Fluff, M/M, sequel to Observations:), this time shoma writes a letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 05:30:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishyshoma/pseuds/squishyshoma
Summary: For me, missing you isn't one feeling. It's many different feelings that are all equally damaging and beautiful in their own right.





	all the ways I miss you

Yuzu,

As it turns out, I was writing my own letter as you were writing yours. You would be surprised to know what missing someone isn't a simple feeling. It's not like being happy or sad or angry. It's when you feel too much and too little at the same time. It's when you would give up everything you have for one person on the other side of the world. For me, missing you isn't one feeling. It's many different feelings that are all equally damaging and beautiful in their own right.

—

one: good 

The first kind of missing you is the way I feel when good things happen to me. 

There's a twinge of sorrow beneath every good thing that happens without you, Yuzu.

When I'm on podiums without you beside me, when I land all my quads in practice, when I skate clean long programs, when I get a perfect score on an exam. 

When all I can think is, "god, I wish Yuzu was here with me. He would be so proud." 

I miss you when I'm happy. I miss you when I'm celebrating something. I miss you when we skype at three in the morning and you make me laugh so hard I almost wake up my entire family. 

—

two: bad

I miss you in the bad times, that's the second kind.

You know the feeling of empty loneliness and disappointment that makes you want to cry? That feeling where you would kill for someone to hug you and tell you you're going to be okay?

I do. 

On days when everything in my life is tinted with the same pale blue shade of missing you. When all my senses are dampened. When everything is going wrong and I don't have you to make it right, like you always do.

—

three: time

The third way I miss you is random. 

I miss you on early mornings and late nights alone. 

I miss you during afternoon practices when I'm so tired I could faint. 

I miss you two minutes and thirty seconds into my long program when the fatigue hits and I don't have you to keep me going.

I miss you at three in the morning when i can't sleep. 

I miss you while I'm counting down the days until we're together again and thinking of how time seems to stop while we're together, and still there's never enough of it. 

—

four: angrily

The fourth way i miss you is angrily. 

I want to yell and scream and fight the pain but there's nothing to fight. 

I miss you when we fight. Even when you frustrate me and hurt me and make me want to cry, I'd give up anything to be with you. I miss you when you ignore my messages and even when I ignore yours. I hurt you, too sometimes Yuzu. And I'm sorry. 

I'm angry at the distance between us. 

I know distance isn't a person I can be mad at and yet somehow I've found a way to do it anyway. 

The distance is the thing keeping me from you and for that I resent it. 

I miss you so angrily, that I even surprise myself even with the hatred I feel inside when I think about everything that's stopping me from having you by my side and holding you close and never letting go. 

I wish the distance didn't exist. 

—

five: hopelessly 

The fifth way i miss you is hopelessly. 

It's like the feeling of missing you is eternal and the time spent with you isn't enough to compensate. 

I feel hopeless in the way that you are a part of me that's missing and there's nothing i can do but live with the pain and the hurting. 

I've discovered that missing you isn't always a feeling, Yuzu, but an emptiness that can't be filled. A numbness that means I can only feel when I'm with you. 

—

six: hopefully

The sixth way I miss you is hopefully. 

Sometimes when you tell me "I'll see you soon." I feel like 'soon' really is soon, whether it's years or months or weeks or days away. 

I miss you, but I have hope for the future. I miss you, but I know I'll see you soon. I miss you, but I know I'm okay without you by my side. 

I'm hopeful when we talk of the future. When we dream of a big house in the city and wedding rings and growing old together. You promise me that it'll be worth the wait when we never have to leave each other again and I believe you, and the days and nights are shorter because I know I'll be with you. Soon.

—

seventh: wordlessly

There aren't words to describe all the ways I miss you and that is certainly true of the seventh way. 

It's a feeling that can't be put into words, because, despite the extensive vocabulary I could use to describe it, there simply aren't words that mean what I feel. There is only you, me and the empty longing I feel when I think of you. 

I could say I miss you, but it isn't enough to explain the hurt. I could say I love you, but it doesn't explain they way my heart beats too fast and my knees go weak when I'm around you. 

Perhaps the only way to describe how I feel would be to create new words to tell you, but that wouldn't make much sense at all, would it? 

I will resign myself, for now, to saying I miss you because it's the closest thing I can get to explaining it without simply opening my heart to you and showing how I feel inside. But there are so many ways I could possibly miss you. 

One phrase will never be enough. 

—

eight: impatiently 

The eighth way I miss you is impatiently. 

I miss you in such a way that it's selfish and restless and eager but demands the opposite from me.

I miss you in a way that makes me think about how much plane tickets to Toronto would cost, and if it's worth if it means I don't have to wait anymore. 

It's how I feel when I'm waiting for you to wake up in the mornings, or when I jump at my phone hoping every notification is from you. It's when I want everything now but I must wait, resign myself to counting down months and weeks and days and hours and minutes instead. 

I miss you impatiently, but I must wait. 

—

nine: lost

The ninth way of missing you is when I'm surrounded by people, but still alone. 

When I'm on a podium without you next to me.  When I'm on the ice to compete and I'm more alone than I've ever been. 

When there are so many voices in a screaming crowd but I can't find the only one I want to hear. The voice that keeps me grounded, and the laugh that lifts me up.

When I'm lost in a sea of people without my anchor to hold me. When I'm drifting away, alone again, like I was in the beginning. 

—

ten: painfully

The tenth way I miss you is painful. 

Missing you is like the soreness that overcomes your whole body when you lift weights that are just a bit too heavy at off ice. It's like the burning in your lungs when you do one too many long programs. 

It's painful in the way that it's rewarding. Like a soreness that reminds you of how strong you are and how hard you work. 

Tiring and exhausting and painful but worth it, just like you promise me it'll be. The missing hurts, the longing is torture, and the wanting is like my own version of hell, but the loving is perfect. It makes the hurting stop and the pain subside. It makes staying up until three in the morning to call you worth it. It makes everything okay again.

—

eleven: fear

The eleventh way is the worst.

It's not so much a miss, as a need. Like NHK.

You texted me before the video came out. 

'I fell on a 4Lz. My foot hurts.'

The desperate missing was so painful then. It was mean and all consuming and scary. 

When you withdrew, I cried. 

I cried for you and the title I knew you were vying for. For me and my selfishness and how much I missed you. I was scared for you then, so scared. 

It's like the feeling you get right before you compete. The anxiety, the nerves, the regret. The feeling of absolute fear that makes you wonder why you do this to yourself. It's like that fear but multiplied by how in love with you I am. 

It amplified all the other ways I missed you because I knew it would be even longer until We were together, and even that was left in uncertainty. 

I started a countdown of the days until nationals. I texted you every morning and evening to make sure you were resting. I even texted your mom and Brian to make sure you were resting. 

I miss you when I'm scared. When I need you to hug me and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright.

—

twelve: together 

The twelfth way I miss you is, ironically, when I don't have to miss you anymore. 

It's during those rare moments when I see you again, when I run into your arms and I feel like my heart is going to burst. 

It's those times when we're on the podium together, and we link arms and giggle and "get married." 

It's the nights when we go back to our hotel room and keep each other close and keep our hearts even closer. 

It's the times like these that make me forget what it was ever like to miss you. 

The missing won't last forever, Yuzu, but the loving will. 

Forever yours,

Shoma.


End file.
